February 14th, 2008

New NASA Photo Proves Bigfoot Lives on Mars!

Holy Crap! Courtesy of NASA, incontrovertible photographic evidence that Bigfoot lives on Mars!

This story is getting some serious television coverage, including FOX News, so I'm sure the odds of this turning out to actually be Bigfoot and not, say, a rock are roughly one hundred percent. Possibly one-ten.

Geez, doesn't NASA normally censor this stuff? Someone must've slipped up big time. Why, next thing you know word is going to leak out that there are aliens at Area 51. (This is currently a closely-guarded secret known only to NASA, the CIA, me, and a few other people.)

Close analysis of the complete NASA Mars image reveals a few facts about Bigfoot that were not previously known. For example, he is approximately one inch tall, and instead of legs he possesses only a solid, rocklike mass below the waist -- just what you'd expect from a creature named for leaving enormous footprints everywhere he goes.

This all reminds me of a time when I was watching TLC (The Learning Channel -- possibly the most inaccurately named television channel in all of human history), and they had on this program about a Bigfoot convention. According to the show, there is a schism in the Bigfoot community between the old-school Bigfootologists, who believe that Bigfoot is merely a rare primate, and the new-wave Bigfootologists, who believe that Bigfoot is a supernatural creature who lives aboard a UFO. Old-school Bigfootologists really resent seeing the rigorously scientific discipline of Bigfootology invaded by a bunch of kooks who just believe stuff for which there's no evidence whatsoever. New-wave Bigfootologists retort that if Bigfoot were simply an ordinary primate then we would have long ago found definitive proof of his existence, and the fact that we haven't must mean that -- duh -- he lives on a UFO.

So answer me this all you stuck-up old school Bigfootologists. If Bigfoot doesn't live on a UFO, then how did he get to Mars?!